September 9th

My thinspo collection is topped off with a framed picture of Benji. Right after our breakup and after I found out about his girl, I tore his picture off my mirror and hid it under my mattress. I couldn't bare to look at him. But I realized it was more painful to not see him at all. I missed his smile so much. I stare at his picture everyday and try to remember how he used to smile at me...

His picture is probably the most triggering of all my thinspo. Its so funny how differently I'm handling this situation in comparison to the Chris situation. I'm so confusing, I don't even understand myself. With Chris it was like I held on to my depression. I was stubborn about it. I was insulted at even the suggestion of trying to be happy. I dyed my hair black, I cut it to be more choppy, I wore black all the time, I smoked weed constantly and incessantly listened to sad music.

With Benji its so different. Its worse, but its not. I know the pain is deeper, and frankly I'm terrified of it. I can't let myself feel it. I just can't. I try to convince myself its not really happening. I just make myself forget. When I want to text him good morning, I just tell myself that I did and I tell myself he wrote me back too. When I want to beg him to hang out with me, I just tell myself another day and remind myself of all the studying I have to do. Whenever an image of him and that girl pop into my head or any of the correspondence I read between them seeps into my mind, I immediately push it out. I can't let it be real. Whenever I think of that girl, I work out. I wake up in the morning and wonder if he texts her good morning now instead of me, and then I want to slap myself for not being strong and allowing myself to think about that. I put on my headphones and raise the volume so I can't hear my thoughts. And I do pushups against my windowsill or crunches or lift weights without my clothes on and stare at myself in the mirror. "Getting skinny is the best revenge" That's me and Monica's self made ana-quote.

Just don't be crazy. That's all I tell myself. Don't be crazy. I want to show up at his door and tell him what he's done to me. I want to call him everyday. I want to do SOMETHING! But then I remember, I can't be crazy. Thats why he left me. Because I'm crazy. So I just try my best to be one of the normal people. I'm trying to make more friends. I'm focused on being an adult and being responsible. I've only drank once since Benji left me, and that was because Monica forced me to go out with her (in comparison to the 3-4 days a week I was drinking this summer). I just study and work out. Thats literally all I do. I smoke a fraction of what I used to. I even use Facebook and aim less.

My favorite quote is the inspiration for my blog title. "The only freedom left, is the freedom to starve". Every thing else in life that is supposed to make me happy can be taken away from me. Think you have a loving happy family with parents who love you and take care of you? Well that can be taken from you. Your parents could die. Your family can get torn apart. Think you have great awesome friends? Do you love your bestfriend? That can be taken from you. Your best friend can stab you in the back. Your friends can let you down and disappoint you. Think you have a wonderful boyfriend? Do you know in your heart of hearts that you love him and he loves you and he would never ever let you down and you could trust him with your life and you know hes the man youre going to marry and you even have your future children named? Well guess the fuck what?

One day your amazing boyfriend might wake up and discover a new pretty girl without all the emotional baggage and he might just not rememeber why he told you he was in love with you a week ago. One day he might just do something and make you understand he just doesn't love you anymore. Like ignore you for 8 straight days completely out of the blue because he's having sex with someone else and then he tries to have sex with you the next time he sees you and when you see the condoms you knew weren't there before, you start crying because you think hes broken the one connection you two never broke before, and then he notices your tears but tries to get you to not stop having sex with him and he tells you to lay back down so he can keep fucking you even though your face is covered with tears mascara and snot. And then maybe, just like that, you mean NOTHING to him anymore.

Maybe you have a team you belong to, that just means the world to you. Everything else in your life has been sucking so you cant wait for your new season to start so your life can have purpose again. Except you don't make the fucking team. Even though you tried your best and you were sure you had it.

Everything that makes you happy can be taken from you. Except perfecting your body. No one can stop me from having the perfect body. No one can stop me from exercising. No one can force me to eat. No one can stop me from spitting the food I eat right back out. Ana is my last freedom. My very last freedom.

I ride my bike uphill on the hardest gear and I think of Benji looking at that girl the way he used to look at me. I think of him kissing her and being naked with her. I think of him calling her gorgeous and I scream out loud. I stand up on my bike and pedal harder and harder until Im groaning with every movement and my legs are burning and I start to feel dizzy. I turn up my music and keep riding. And then it passes. I forget.

Sometimes I am really happy. Like really really happy. Happier than I can remember being in a long time. Its all due to Ana. Ana reminds me that I can be a strong person.

Go ahead, don't believe in me. Think I'm weak. Think I'm immature. Think I'm going to fail. I'll fucking show you.

I look into the mirror and love myself. I know how pretty I am. Not just pretty. I know I'm gorgeous. I know I'm special. And now with Ana, I'm going to be perfect. Nothing can stop me. I see my body transforming before my eyes. I see my arms getting smaller. I see abs forming. I feel amazing. I have more energy and just feel better about myself. See Amanda, you never really needed anybody. You are doing this all on your own.