Oh no.

I have 40 minutes to finish my science project for my and my partner (he did it last week, now its my turn) and instead of concentrating, what am I fucking doing??????

For some fucking insane reason my mind decided to remind itself that I have Pamela's facebook password and she is still friends with Jamal. So like the dumb phsyco obesessive girl I am, I signed in to her account and began looking through all of Jamals pics and found the album with all the Benji pics with that girl. Why why why whyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

At 450 calories for the day. No more food. Just coffee.

I don't need you. I have Ana.

Better? Um maybe.

Wow I don't know what the hell that last post was. I lost it for a sec, but I'm feeling kind of better now after working out (I realized I have work on this direct before practice at 6:30 so I couldn't go for 2 hours). I guess just seeing how normal Benji is with all of this just got to me.

He doesn't lay in bed thinking about us before bed. He doesn't wonder what I'm doing. He doesn't think about me all day. He doesn't automatically compare every girl he meets to me. He. Doesn't. Care.

My Benji is gone. He doesn't exist anymore. Maybe one day I will actually realize that instead of just telling myself these things. Obviously he is gone Amanda. Your Benji would never forget. He would never just let you go, knowing how much you depend on him, and not even try to see how you're doing. Your Benji would never make you feel like this. Ever. Look at yourself Amanda. Look at these blogs. You're going crazy! Think about how you're feeling right now. This very second. Now think of Benji. His caring kind generous amazing heart. The person you constantly put on a pedestal. The person you aspire to be like. Would your Benji, the Benji you want to spend forever with, ever make you feel like this?

He's gone Amanda.

Remember the Benji that went out of his way to really know you, to know your soul? The Benji that would write you 10 page letters explaining his feelings to you, and the Benji that wanted you to write 10 page letters back. The only guy (no, person) in the world who ever really cared so deeply about your thoughts and feelings. The Benji that took off work when your father died and stayed awake with you all night. The Benji that held you as tight as he could and cried with you because he knew how hard this death was going to be for you. The Benji that cried and cried with you a few weeks before you guys broke up because we talked about breaking up. The Benji that acted crazy and talked about crazy things with you that he would never talk about with anyone else. The Benji that made you believe in yourself at your worst moments. The Benji that reached out to all different people in your life to help them help you. The Benji that went to counseling with you. Your bestfriend. Your better half.

That's truely what he was. My better half. He was my world and not just everything I wanted, but everything I could hope to be. That Benji isn't here anymore...

GET OVER IT AMANDA

No one wants to hear your bullshit. No one fucking cares your heart broken. Don't feel sorry for yourself, its pathetic. Its always fucking something with you Amanda. You can never fucking be happy. Well maybe its not everyone else, maybe its you Amanda. Everyone is fucking over your drama. Poor poor Amanda. GET THE FUCK OVER ITTTT

FML

Fucking fuck my life. Just fucking kill me right now. I can't fuckign do this shit anymore. FUCKKKKKK.

Everything was fine and then I speak to Monica last night and she's like oh I'm on Jamals page right now. I'm like shittttttt, you're still his friend???? And then she's like yeah, is this Benjis new girl? Lindsay?

No no no no no no no no noooooooooooooooo don't remind me. All these thoughts just planted themselves back in my head. I worked out when I got home and smoked some weed and went to bed. Today was a little better. I woke up happy since I fasted yesterday. I've been crazy busy all day so I haven't had time to think about anything.

But now I had a few minutes with nothing to do so of course Im facebooking. This girl Aly, who is friends with Jamal, wrote on my wall. So I went to her wall to write back, and boom. There he was. Very first post. Benji.

Hes like come to the city and party with me and Jamal. I dont know why that fucking set me off. I just started shaking and got out of the computer lab as fast as possible and speed walked (almost running) to the bathroom and thankfully it was empty. I went into the handicapped stall and threw myself against the corner and cried. I haven't cried like that in weeks. Sobbing and everything. Punching the walls. Someone came in so I tried my best to switch to silent crying. I've pretty much mastered the technique.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

I cant continue this entry, there are too many people in the lab and I hate crying in public. Going to the fucking gym for the next two hours until practice starts.

Fuck you. Fuck everyone. I don't fucking need anyone. I have Ana.

I miss him so much. This is getting too hard... 

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

Today sucks. I have been really good about abstaining from sad music, but today I just cant help myself.

You might think I'm losing my mind,

But I will shy away from the specifics...

cause I don't want you to know where I am

cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.

See that line? Well I never should have crossed it.

Stop right there. Well I never should have said that,

it's the very moment thatI wish that I could take back.

I'm sorry for the person I became.

I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.

I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again

'cause who I am hates who I've been.

Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.

Couldn't keep to myself enough.

And the things bottled inside have finally begun

To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps

Synching up to the beating of my heart,

And I was positive that unless I got myself together,

I would watch me fall apart.

And I can't let that happen again

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been- Relient K

One Year Ago Today...

Exactly one year ago today, me and Benji went on our first date. I was extremely relucant to go. I didn't want to date any guys. I just had my heart ripped out and stepped on by Chris. Me and Chris had broken up with me four months prior but I was still very torn up over it. I still thought about him everyday. I didn't want to get attached to anyone else. I didn't want to let myself become vulnerable and get hurt again. One year later, maybe I should've listened to my instincts.

But the date was definitely the most memorible date of my life. I made Pamela come with me for support. We were carrying around a bottle (still underage back then) so we showed up to our date drunk. Benji and Jamal took us to a cute little Mexican restaurant. Then we went back to Benjis place and drank some more. Then we got into the epic street fight. Me Pamela and some hooker literally fighting in the street. Benji yelling at the cops "she hit my girl" and me thinking it was adorable he was calling me his girl even though it was our first date. The trip to the precint on our very first date. Well atleast I know he will never forget me.

My Dream Catcher is Broken

I had a terrible nightmare last night. Sometimes I have dreams that are just so real, I wake up with an intense feeling of whatever emotion I was experiencing in the dream. Thats what happened to me this morning.

I've been thinking about when I should really try to see Benji. Its very important because when I see him, I need to ask him a question. But I'm too terrified to know the answer. I had the balls to ask him to hangout for a few minutes this weekend because I was drunk and on my way to Pink Elephant which is only 20 or so blocks away from his apartment. He denied my requests to talk for a few minutes. Whatever. Probably better to extend my blissful ignorance. Atleast I still have hope to hold on to...

But my dream. I dreamt that I saw him last night. I was orginally planning on asking him if I could come over last night (we spoke on the phone for the first time in forever) but I chickened out. So in my dream I go to his house and I ask him everything I want to ask him. Are things with that girl serious? Is there any chance for us in the future? Does he ever think about me at all? Does he miss me? In my dream he told me he was in love with the girl and they made it official the night before. He says he hasn't really thought about me and I just need to move on.

I can't even describe the feeling. I woke up with that feeling. It wasn't even sadness. It was such a profound emptiness. Like all I was was a shell. Like someone cut all my organs out. I just wanted to sink into my mattress and disappear.

Being an attorney on MT was one thing keeping me going. I just kept thinking I just had to hold on until I became an attorney. Then I'd be busy all the time and I wouldn't have time to be upset. I'd be so amazing as an attorney, I'd impress everyone and Adam would be proud of me. I would be doing something I loved that made me feel amazing about myself. Except last night I found out I didn't make attorney.

So what else is keeping me going? Ana. But is Ana enough? School. School is good. Ana and school. Ana and school and hope...

I have it in my mind that me and Benji will get back together one day. But I have no idea where he is at with all of this. Is he completely over me? Maybe he looks back and can't remember us. Maybe he doesn't remember all of our time together. Maybe he doesn't remember loving me. How do guys just forget these things??? Its not fair.

But I do need to know. I'm tempted to ask him now. I just want to know my chances. I want to know if he has real feelings for another girl. It will kill me, but better sooner than later. Better I stop holding on to this hope if theres no reason to. I can't keep dealing with these dissapointments.

September 9th

My thinspo collection is topped off with a framed picture of Benji. Right after our breakup and after I found out about his girl, I tore his picture off my mirror and hid it under my mattress. I couldn't bare to look at him. But I realized it was more painful to not see him at all. I missed his smile so much. I stare at his picture everyday and try to remember how he used to smile at me...

His picture is probably the most triggering of all my thinspo. Its so funny how differently I'm handling this situation in comparison to the Chris situation. I'm so confusing, I don't even understand myself. With Chris it was like I held on to my depression. I was stubborn about it. I was insulted at even the suggestion of trying to be happy. I dyed my hair black, I cut it to be more choppy, I wore black all the time, I smoked weed constantly and incessantly listened to sad music.

With Benji its so different. Its worse, but its not. I know the pain is deeper, and frankly I'm terrified of it. I can't let myself feel it. I just can't. I try to convince myself its not really happening. I just make myself forget. When I want to text him good morning, I just tell myself that I did and I tell myself he wrote me back too. When I want to beg him to hang out with me, I just tell myself another day and remind myself of all the studying I have to do. Whenever an image of him and that girl pop into my head or any of the correspondence I read between them seeps into my mind, I immediately push it out. I can't let it be real. Whenever I think of that girl, I work out. I wake up in the morning and wonder if he texts her good morning now instead of me, and then I want to slap myself for not being strong and allowing myself to think about that. I put on my headphones and raise the volume so I can't hear my thoughts. And I do pushups against my windowsill or crunches or lift weights without my clothes on and stare at myself in the mirror. "Getting skinny is the best revenge" That's me and Monica's self made ana-quote.

Just don't be crazy. That's all I tell myself. Don't be crazy. I want to show up at his door and tell him what he's done to me. I want to call him everyday. I want to do SOMETHING! But then I remember, I can't be crazy. Thats why he left me. Because I'm crazy. So I just try my best to be one of the normal people. I'm trying to make more friends. I'm focused on being an adult and being responsible. I've only drank once since Benji left me, and that was because Monica forced me to go out with her (in comparison to the 3-4 days a week I was drinking this summer). I just study and work out. Thats literally all I do. I smoke a fraction of what I used to. I even use Facebook and aim less.

My favorite quote is the inspiration for my blog title. "The only freedom left, is the freedom to starve". Every thing else in life that is supposed to make me happy can be taken away from me. Think you have a loving happy family with parents who love you and take care of you? Well that can be taken from you. Your parents could die. Your family can get torn apart. Think you have great awesome friends? Do you love your bestfriend? That can be taken from you. Your best friend can stab you in the back. Your friends can let you down and disappoint you. Think you have a wonderful boyfriend? Do you know in your heart of hearts that you love him and he loves you and he would never ever let you down and you could trust him with your life and you know hes the man youre going to marry and you even have your future children named? Well guess the fuck what?

One day your amazing boyfriend might wake up and discover a new pretty girl without all the emotional baggage and he might just not rememeber why he told you he was in love with you a week ago. One day he might just do something and make you understand he just doesn't love you anymore. Like ignore you for 8 straight days completely out of the blue because he's having sex with someone else and then he tries to have sex with you the next time he sees you and when you see the condoms you knew weren't there before, you start crying because you think hes broken the one connection you two never broke before, and then he notices your tears but tries to get you to not stop having sex with him and he tells you to lay back down so he can keep fucking you even though your face is covered with tears mascara and snot. And then maybe, just like that, you mean NOTHING to him anymore.

Maybe you have a team you belong to, that just means the world to you. Everything else in your life has been sucking so you cant wait for your new season to start so your life can have purpose again. Except you don't make the fucking team. Even though you tried your best and you were sure you had it.

Everything that makes you happy can be taken from you. Except perfecting your body. No one can stop me from having the perfect body. No one can stop me from exercising. No one can force me to eat. No one can stop me from spitting the food I eat right back out. Ana is my last freedom. My very last freedom.

I ride my bike uphill on the hardest gear and I think of Benji looking at that girl the way he used to look at me. I think of him kissing her and being naked with her. I think of him calling her gorgeous and I scream out loud. I stand up on my bike and pedal harder and harder until Im groaning with every movement and my legs are burning and I start to feel dizzy. I turn up my music and keep riding. And then it passes. I forget.

Sometimes I am really happy. Like really really happy. Happier than I can remember being in a long time. Its all due to Ana. Ana reminds me that I can be a strong person.

Go ahead, don't believe in me. Think I'm weak. Think I'm immature. Think I'm going to fail. I'll fucking show you.

I look into the mirror and love myself. I know how pretty I am. Not just pretty. I know I'm gorgeous. I know I'm special. And now with Ana, I'm going to be perfect. Nothing can stop me. I see my body transforming before my eyes. I see my arms getting smaller. I see abs forming. I feel amazing. I have more energy and just feel better about myself. See Amanda, you never really needed anybody. You are doing this all on your own.