Better? Um maybe.

Wow I don't know what the hell that last post was. I lost it for a sec, but I'm feeling kind of better now after working out (I realized I have work on this direct before practice at 6:30 so I couldn't go for 2 hours). I guess just seeing how normal Benji is with all of this just got to me.

He doesn't lay in bed thinking about us before bed. He doesn't wonder what I'm doing. He doesn't think about me all day. He doesn't automatically compare every girl he meets to me. He. Doesn't. Care.

My Benji is gone. He doesn't exist anymore. Maybe one day I will actually realize that instead of just telling myself these things. Obviously he is gone Amanda. Your Benji would never forget. He would never just let you go, knowing how much you depend on him, and not even try to see how you're doing. Your Benji would never make you feel like this. Ever. Look at yourself Amanda. Look at these blogs. You're going crazy! Think about how you're feeling right now. This very second. Now think of Benji. His caring kind generous amazing heart. The person you constantly put on a pedestal. The person you aspire to be like. Would your Benji, the Benji you want to spend forever with, ever make you feel like this?

He's gone Amanda.

Remember the Benji that went out of his way to really know you, to know your soul? The Benji that would write you 10 page letters explaining his feelings to you, and the Benji that wanted you to write 10 page letters back. The only guy (no, person) in the world who ever really cared so deeply about your thoughts and feelings. The Benji that took off work when your father died and stayed awake with you all night. The Benji that held you as tight as he could and cried with you because he knew how hard this death was going to be for you. The Benji that cried and cried with you a few weeks before you guys broke up because we talked about breaking up. The Benji that acted crazy and talked about crazy things with you that he would never talk about with anyone else. The Benji that made you believe in yourself at your worst moments. The Benji that reached out to all different people in your life to help them help you. The Benji that went to counseling with you. Your bestfriend. Your better half.

That's truely what he was. My better half. He was my world and not just everything I wanted, but everything I could hope to be. That Benji isn't here anymore...

GET OVER IT AMANDA

No one wants to hear your bullshit. No one fucking cares your heart broken. Don't feel sorry for yourself, its pathetic. Its always fucking something with you Amanda. You can never fucking be happy. Well maybe its not everyone else, maybe its you Amanda. Everyone is fucking over your drama. Poor poor Amanda. GET THE FUCK OVER ITTTT