My Dream Catcher is Broken

I had a terrible nightmare last night. Sometimes I have dreams that are just so real, I wake up with an intense feeling of whatever emotion I was experiencing in the dream. Thats what happened to me this morning.

I've been thinking about when I should really try to see Benji. Its very important because when I see him, I need to ask him a question. But I'm too terrified to know the answer. I had the balls to ask him to hangout for a few minutes this weekend because I was drunk and on my way to Pink Elephant which is only 20 or so blocks away from his apartment. He denied my requests to talk for a few minutes. Whatever. Probably better to extend my blissful ignorance. Atleast I still have hope to hold on to...

But my dream. I dreamt that I saw him last night. I was orginally planning on asking him if I could come over last night (we spoke on the phone for the first time in forever) but I chickened out. So in my dream I go to his house and I ask him everything I want to ask him. Are things with that girl serious? Is there any chance for us in the future? Does he ever think about me at all? Does he miss me? In my dream he told me he was in love with the girl and they made it official the night before. He says he hasn't really thought about me and I just need to move on.

I can't even describe the feeling. I woke up with that feeling. It wasn't even sadness. It was such a profound emptiness. Like all I was was a shell. Like someone cut all my organs out. I just wanted to sink into my mattress and disappear.

Being an attorney on MT was one thing keeping me going. I just kept thinking I just had to hold on until I became an attorney. Then I'd be busy all the time and I wouldn't have time to be upset. I'd be so amazing as an attorney, I'd impress everyone and Adam would be proud of me. I would be doing something I loved that made me feel amazing about myself. Except last night I found out I didn't make attorney.

So what else is keeping me going? Ana. But is Ana enough? School. School is good. Ana and school. Ana and school and hope...

I have it in my mind that me and Benji will get back together one day. But I have no idea where he is at with all of this. Is he completely over me? Maybe he looks back and can't remember us. Maybe he doesn't remember all of our time together. Maybe he doesn't remember loving me. How do guys just forget these things??? Its not fair.

But I do need to know. I'm tempted to ask him now. I just want to know my chances. I want to know if he has real feelings for another girl. It will kill me, but better sooner than later. Better I stop holding on to this hope if theres no reason to. I can't keep dealing with these dissapointments.